It’s been a rough four days. I was making fun of myself for being such a wimp in the Coeur d’Alene, cold shivering uncontrollably and putting on all my warm layers even in the car. But turns out I had Covid-19. Yep, after managing to avoid it throughout all these years I finally succumbed and why? Mostly because I actually went outside around other people.
I can write and joke a little about it now. But the body aches and fever nearly reduced me to tears in my cozy Subaru bed in the middle of nowhere, staring at the photos of my kids and wife pinned to the inside ceiling of my car. I’m a romantic, and staring at them really filled me with happiness, hope, and a recommitment to be a better person, for them. Ultimately, I think our relationships are what color our lives the most, they give it the most meaning, the most joy. In many ways, memories of these relationships remain the most precious things we have until we cannot remember them any longer. This is why Alzheimer’s is just a horrible thought to imagine.
Unfortunately, this means remembering all my failures just as vividly, the personal, direct, hurtful failures of my life. Some people can kill a person with one punch. I can eviscerate people emotionally by picking their most vulnerable emotional targets and hitting the pull prosaic force. Language is my super power, and I can use it to annihilate, and have. I’m not proud of it. I feel like I want to vomit right now thinking of some of the things I’ve said to people who love me specifically to defend myself from perceived attacks, like the insinuation that I’m not a “safe” provider, for example, something I’m extremely sensitive about because I’ve been nothing but a stable financial supporter of everyone in my care since the beginning.
All those memories of pain caused to others serve no purpose other than to remind myself that I will fail again and just need to do what I can to avoid it and prepare for it. Funny how the torture of sickness can heighten a desire to never bring pain of any kind to others (unless they deserve it, right now I would go to war against the idiocy I’ve seen on this trip if the need arose).
I always knew going away from everything I’ve come to take for granted would heighten my appreciation of it. It’s something I just have to do. My wife would say it’s because I’m a Sagittarius. Whatever the reason, it’s true. In fact, I’ve realized some rather large things about myself these last few days.
I’ve seen most of America at this point in my life. Travelling on I-90 has been the most scenic interstate I’ve ever driven, even better than I-70 through Colorado. The views in Montana are completely breath-taking just from the highway itself.
Hottest temperature ever recorded on Earth, 133 in Death Valley just up from Route 66 that I was planning to bike on. There are so many wildfires you can’t even breath without a mask on, across three distinct states. The suit has filled my car making it nearly impossible to sleep in it until I detail it and change the internal air filter. And these wildfires are the same thing year after year after year.
Then there isn’t enough water to keep everything irrigated. Constant fights over water rights all along the Colorado. Lowest levels in Lake Powell in history. And no end in sight.
Even the Salt Lake brine shrimp industry is in collapse because even the Salt Lake is dying. Entire documentary piece made by Utah news agency about it.
The West is in serious decline because of climate change and no one seems to give an actual fuck about it. Oh well.
When I lived in Utah in my teenage years I always dreamed of living in California instead. Living in Sacramento or around Yosemite would have been my ideal life and environment, lots of green, beach, and moderate weather.
Recently I was reminded how much I really don’t like Utah after having my rose-colored glasses shattered.
One thing traveling “home” and back home has made very clear is that I can no longer claim to be from the West. I love North Carolina. Hell, I’m just back to Missouri and the trees and dense green packing every single highway has me feeling cozy and happy (along with the 800 ft elevation and glorious humidity). After more than 20 years living in North Carolina I’m more of a North Carolinian than many who were actually born there. Hell, I’m might even work on my accent.
I despise Salt Lake Valley. I tried really hard to remember all the things I loved about it but all I could see was horribly “inspired” stroads, smell the stinking brine of a dying (if you can believe it) Salt Lake, hear the chopped muffles of yet another idiot making his 3000 dollar POS car “fly.”
Alta ski lodge was nice, but had tons of mosquitoes. It might as well have been NC in August.
Ensign Peak was a fun hike. Then, the within two days it all burned down in a wildfire polluting the skies.
Emigration Canyon was fun and beautiful, but nothing like even a simple hike up Stone Mountain in North Carolina.
Lake Powell was fun but a huge reminder of how fucking superfluous and unnecessary that entire, destructive lake is. It’s because a huge natural water park for the ultra-rich. I loved my time catching up with Mike and people in his life, but Lake Powell, meh. Besides, I can walk out of my apartment and paddle on a Lake that is way more beautiful and has a bald eagle nest on it every single day and without doing any of the boat stuff.
I would have preferred to walk around Arches or do the White Rim, but now I’m hearing my favorite place in all of Utah, Moah, has a 88% higher crime rate than the rest of the state. Why? Because certain outdoor, hippy, types just don’t give a shit. I know the type. I’ve run into them a lot. They usually are rebels with rich parents who lose all their money and then still feel like they are owed something. They are the worst kind of hippies. In fact, Asheville is full of them as well. I know I cannot possibly know the mental state and morality of every single white dude with dreads, but I have enough personal experience with them sharing stories to know they have no problem lifting shit from people they feel are suckling at the teet of corporate America (like me).