A lot of stuff has happened recently leading me (and Doris) to wonder just what I want out of the next few years.
Here’s why I just might be able to answer this truthly for the first time in my life:
Before now, I’ve never been able to actually do what I really want. I’ve always been doing what I am supposed to do, even after my divorce when all the scripts from 40 years as a Mormon kept playing through my head. Doing what I wanted was never an option, always “what is best for the world” and “how do I want to be remembered” and “what brings the most people the most joy”. It’s just too selfish to consider what I actually would do if I didn’t have to think about any of that.
Honestly, I have no idea what I really want.
“Go figure it out,” Doris said, prompting me to remind her that there was a very real time she had no idea what she wanted to do either.
Sometimes it is easier to find the opposite, in this case, the things I don’t want.
That last one is hard to write, but it’s true. I am tired of always being someone’s lifeline, of having a constant fear that if I died people would be left without the means to live on their own and prosper. It’s fucking exhausting being that financial rock for everyone. I realize that I very likely will become dependent on others in that way in my older years, and I hate it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I just want a break from that feeling. I want to be truly and completely financially independent from every other human being, only responsible for my own livelihood. It sounds selfish to so many, but at this point I don’t care. There may be heavenly points for how much you paid everyone to enable their lives on Earth and if so I’ve earned my share. In fact, Doris and I made a “contract” when we were dating about the goals and guidelines for our relationship and maintaining separate financial independence was always top of the list because that meant that our being together was never forced, always voluntary. We are finally getting back to that state.
I’m an explorer. I’ve always been. It’s not my fault. “God” made me this way. It means I get very wrestless being in one place for too long. I do value a good routine, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be in the same place every day. If I die without getting to live in Europe again I will be very sad indeed. But then again, when I think of living out every last day in Moab, Utah I get very happy. In fact, that thought makes me happier than the same thought of living in Ashville. And to pick up and move to Europe or New Zealand or France or England or Thailand I have to have the money and means to get there.
Sometimes I think I’m just tired of the United States. I love this country, but I’m just tired of it. So far here are my favorite places in America:
I have no desire to see the Great Lakes or live anywhere around there.
I hate everything about Texas except Austin. It’s butt ugly—especially the cities but the entire landscape is potmarked with industrial failures. The people are horrible with politics and infrastructure that is fucking brain dead stupid. Southern Utah and New Mexico are way better than Texas.
I also really don’t like Florida as much as I thought I would.
Colorado is just a less-amazing version of Utah (yes, including Boulder).
Nevada is gorgeous, but Las Vegas is a shit show.
The only place I wanted to visit was Lousiana, but it has been destroyed so many times not sure there is much left to see there.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that only places I would want to live in America (right now) are rather limited:
I’ve lived abroad for years, but somehow I have a block when it comes to allowing myself the option of living abroad again. My wife reminds me that it is all in my head. If I have the money to live out of my car, then I definitely would have the money to fly someplace rural in Europe that live there for a while instead. Also, I wouldn’t need the car at all. I could invest all that money into really great bike touring stuff and maintenance tools and take them with me everywhere. Doing that in a car really isn’t sustainable for me since I cannot to the maintenance myself.