I can’t sleep. There’s something almost divine about lying in a dark room, alone, staring at the shadows caused from minimal led lights coming from all the modern gadgets of the 21st century. I can’t help but imagine the first humans doing the same thing, but without the gadgets, perhaps only the glimmer of stars in the sky, but our thoughts are the same.
“Why am I here?”
“What is my purpose (if I even have one)?”
“What do I want to do with the days I have left?”
I can honestly say I am a very happy person. I have bouts with frustration, fear, sadness, and disorientation like anyone. But in the stillness, staring into the darkness, I feel peace. A real part of me feels guilt for feeling such peace knowing so many are not. I want nothing more than to reduce their suffering starting with helping them find their own way up.
I found myself asking the toughest questions (which always begin with “why”). Why do I feel peace? Why am I so content with life as it is? By so many standards I have so very little, and by others I have exorbitant excess. I didn’t pick my place in this world, where I was born, the family that raised me, the people I met along the way. Sure I had a little to do with it, but any action I took was like slapping the water while trying to course correct a ship with a paddle. My actions matter very little, but they do matter, that much is clear.
In the end our actions are for ourselves above everything else. Every choice effects us more than any others. Maybe that’s the real purpose of life: to take action, to make choices that will ultimately teach us the most about ourselves on the path, while promoting the same opportunities for these experiences in others.
I’m realizing more now than ever that all I really want out of life is being able to say I did my best to help as many humans as possible to reach a place of safety, warmth, love, and learning; to reach that Nirvana of self-sustainability and independence affording them opportunities to experience all that this world has to offer—especially the natural world which costs almost nothing to experience; and to find love in all its forms. Anything beyond that is excess. Once I have these things all that remains is helping others to find them for themselves.
The Buddhists call this a commitment to “reduce suffering” but it is obviously so much more than that.