I’m feeling overwhelmed tonight while just lying sleepless in bed by the number of amazing people I’ve been able to come to know in my life, from all the way back. I find myself picturing their faces, some imagined, some faintly remembered, some in the other room. All smiling during a good memory. Sometimes when I wonder what it’s all about that’s the one truth that burns through me like radio waves. These people I’ve known, family, friends, teachers, peers, strangers, lovers, all of them. I take something away from every single one.
The other day after watching the Quantum Mechanics documentary for the second time everything just fell into place for me. I understood how waves behave, some cancel each other out, some combine to create greater peaks, many waves all a part of different frequencies and wave lengths. It sounds cliche, but there is no better way for me to imagine what is happening inside when I think of all those people and having been in sync with them, for a moment, before other waves of different frequencies disrupt the harmonics. Memories seem like moments of harmonics, of coincidental waves combining. Some memories feel like they were on completely different frequencies, as if I tuned into a different life entirely, on many occasions.
Looking back sometimes I cannot believe how radically different so many different phases of my life have been. Every one felt no less significant than another, but looking back sometimes it is like trying to remember a tune you’ve forgotten, but still feel deeply when you hear it. And when I lay awake sometimes I feel like some part of me clicks through the frequencies like changing channels or turning the dial on an old radio. For a brief moment everything floods back, all the positive moments where I connected on a level somehow some part of me will never forget.
Then, the next morning it passes, as if I can’t get the reception any longer. But I know at any random moment, while lying sleepless at night, or running with my eyes closed under a warm sun, or floating on the gentle waves at sunset on my board, that the frequencies will come back, clear as ever filling me with such immense joy I have to believe that is what Heaven must be, nothing but a combination of every positive moment combined in one memory that is all memories combined, like the quantum field that is both no where and everywhere, but manifests as a single, perceivable individual.
Every time I have one of these moments I’m overwhelmed with one thought: how could I ever express my gratitude to these people, many of whom have passed or out of touch. And the answer is always, what will I do with my time here right now? I can do better in this moment right now. That’s how. “The powerful play goes on. What will my verse be?”
There is so much more going on than random chaos. These moments are objective proof, to me.
Tags:
#memories #sappy #existence